im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Moan for me like Helen Keller
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
