A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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