he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
