one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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