im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
