I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Found your dick twin last night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
