i just had sex bonerless
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
