You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
