Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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