a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
