I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
