How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
