I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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