it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.