Porn is love you can see.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
