Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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