I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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