I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
