she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
