i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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