It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The Olympian is in my bed
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
