I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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