I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
