my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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