she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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