Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
