I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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