hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
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This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
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YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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