good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
