I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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