All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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