I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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