Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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