You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
