chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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