i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
