My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
