My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
