Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
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He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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