the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
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"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
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I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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