remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
