I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
