I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
