dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
