No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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