someone threw a dead crab at me
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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