Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
