i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
