I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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