I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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