I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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