we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
