the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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