So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
