The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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