no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
