my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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