so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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