I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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