you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
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I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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